So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
