yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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