If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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