Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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