when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
These 19 People Had Awkward Celebrity Sex Dreams
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
These 27 People Had No Idea What They Were Doing When It Came To Sex
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us