I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.