I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I spit up blood this morning
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.