Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
