Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
