i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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