I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
