We won't sleep together?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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