i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
