Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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