I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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