I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
