i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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