The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
