Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
