Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
