I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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