imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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