Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
