This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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