I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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