Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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