Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
