I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
