I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
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Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
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Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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