Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
