Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong