The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
