Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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