i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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