Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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