sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
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Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
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Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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