I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
