whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
