Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
