I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
