You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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