I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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