Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
last night I used snow as a chaser
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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