i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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