He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize