now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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