Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
