you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
