This girl is more easily done than said...
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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