Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
