Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
