Can i not drive my cunt home
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
