oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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