I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
