i was rollin on her like bob the builder
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
This baby is an asshole
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And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
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I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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