I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
