if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
