ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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