we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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