Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I have tasted many bathrooms
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
