The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My ass is underappreciated
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
